Starting Weight: 239.5
Current Weight: 227.6
Total loss: 11.9 lbs
Exercise: 30 minutes of HIIT training on the elliptical. 10 min warm up - 15 minutes of 30 seconds are, 1 minute slow. - 5 minute cool down. Then did 20 minutes of incline training on the treadmill. Incline was at 5.0 walking at 3.0.
When I started the fast I felt a bit frantic. My mind was all over the place. I absolutely had to keep busy at all times. Sitting still would cause me to start thinking about food and my hunger. Today, I have found a sense of peace and calm. My mind is very clear. I don't think I realized how much time I spent thinking about food until I could no longer think about it. How much time has this addiction stolen from me? I want to fill my days with activities instead of food. Yesterday I took my son snowboarding and my daughter shopping. Then we drove an hour to watch some fireworks and a tree lighting ceremony. I want to live, to experience, and to share that with my children. Why have I been numbing that out with food? Why would I want to do that? I don't have that answer right now, but I'm sure it will come to me along the way.
What the Optifast program is doing for me is helping me to create a clean slate with food. All the sugar, salt, and fat cravings are being wiped from my body. It is breaking me of my food adicition. I cannot think about food, I don't have to prepare food, I'm not obsessing about what I'm going to have next. All of that is gone. It is just me, my thoughts, my feelings, and this journey. I cannot numb out my emotions with food. I have to face them and figure out how to get through each and every one of them without it. In a little over 10 weeks, I will have food back in my life. I have to relearn how to eat correctly, and I have to acknowledge that there are some foods I will never ever ever allow back. Just like an alcoholic knows that if they have a drink it will open the flood gates.
One of the things I've noticed, now that my mind is so clear, is how much my boyfriend is suffering with his addiction. He loves his booze, but after drinking he can't function. He has no energy, no ambition and he is moody. He is down right nasty and short to everyone. Much like me when I was detoxing from food the first week of my fast. Except it is all the time. The bad part is that I like him when he is drinking. Not drunk - but buzzed up. He is super sweet and attentive.
I always wondered why he liked me. Well, when I met him I was in better shape than I am now, around 180 lbs. Not skinny but in better shape. I have a rugged build. I've always had more muscle than than the average girl. I have tree trunk legs that I call "meat sticks" they are strong. I'm not ugly by any means, but I'm not a stunning beauty. I'm a plain jane. Rob, is not a plain jane. He is 6'2 with big broad shoulders and an athletic build. He has the biggest bluest eyes you have ever seen surrounded by the longest darkest eye lashes. Lady killers as I call them. Dark hair and blue eyes. His hair is graying, but that only helps his cause. He is a beautiful man. A definite head turner. But, I think his addiction has made him unstable. He hasn't been able to maintain a career. He gets into a field and then decides he doesn't like it and moves on to something else. He doesn't have any money. He is in the air-national guard and has been saving towards a retirement - but who knows what that looks like. He owes his brothers money, his mother money, the State of NH money, the IRS money, an attorney money... He has a strained relationship with his almost 21 year old daughter. His Dad was killed way too young in an automobile accident. He is funny, smart, and talented. He has amazing potential, but he can't get out of his own way. He can't focus on one thing for a very long period of time. He has dreams as big and as large as anyone, but the inability to follow through with them. He has multiple talents, can build and work on a house like nobody but spends one day doing it, two days getting drunk and four days recovering. It is a sick cycle. It is a sad cycle. It saddens me to see this man with so many God given talents waste his life by looking into the bottom of an empty bottle. I don't know how to help him. I don't want to be his mother. I keep hoping that my progress will inspire him to find some of his own. He does for about 2 days and then goes back into the old ways. He says things like, "I did a really good today, I deserve a drink." Or chooses to eat something shitty instead. The other problem is how miserable he is when he stops drinking. He is cold, distant, and angry. He dwells terribly on the past... I often wonder if that is where he is in his dark moods. He has been married twice. His second wife divorced him and he loved her a lot. Here is a man who could get any woman he wants - if he had his shit together. But he doesn't and he has me and I make sure all the bills are paid, and I rarely ever get angry at this roller coaster ride. I listen to each and every excuse for him not going to work, or leaving early to sit on the couch and take a nap. I don't say anything. I enable him and I know it. If he ever knew I felt this way or thought these things he would be devastated because I protect his ego. I allow him to be who he thinks he is in his head. I don't have the heart to deliver that dose of reality. I don't want that drama...so instead, I let the drama continue around me and my children with the hope that this amazing man will find his way. It is more than unhealthy for everyone involved and I've tried to end it on many occasions. We all have our own demons. I suppose that is how I justify his behavior. No matter who I end up with they are going to bring their own issues into the equation as well. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. It certainly sounds like I'm settling, but I don't think so. If and when he is able to get better, I will have won the boyfriend lottery.
No comments:
Post a Comment