Current Weight: 227.5
Total Change: - 12 lbs
I'm so moody!!! So damn irritable and short. I'm trying to cut myself some slack. I am fighting and addiction and I can't have it to try and regulate my mood. Usually if I'm grumpy I would get myself something delightful to shove in my mouth! If I'm sad, I would definitely find something yummy to cheer myself up with. If I'm angry the perfect solution would be a delicious snack! If I'm happy? Of course! Why wouldn't I keep the merry behavior rolling with something to tickle my taste buds? Well, I can't do that. So, I'm f*$#@*ing pissed off. Well, not really pissed off. Just quiet and withdrawn. I know it is just a side effect of my body chemistry changing. My brain chemistry too of course. I hope it regulates soon, for the sake of my family.
Last night, I was having a tough night. We had gone to deliver some Thanksgiving flowers to my boyfriend's mother. We ended up staying longer than we had thought. I didn't prepare correctly and ended up being so hungry I was almost catatonic! We got home and I ate an Optifast tomato soup. It helped, but it didn't help my mood much. My family wanted to walk around the block because we were getting our first big snowstorm. I tried to be a team player and go along even though I wasn't really feeling up to it. Another wonderful side effect of this rapid weight loss is feeling cold. Makes sense right? Losing fat - shedding blub will make you feel colder. Half way around the block someone throws a snowball and snow goes down the back of my boots. I didn't say a peep, just kept walking swiftly towards the house. They played, threw snowballs and danced around in the snow. I just couldn't enjoy it. My boyfriend made a comment about me walking ahead, but I just let it go.
It was approaching 9 pm and I tucked the kids in to bed. I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old. Both of them still love to be tucked in. I went to get into my own bed and it has been stripped down to the mattress. No pillow cases, no sheets, even the comforter cover was gone. I'm tired, and irritable and now I have to make the bed. How annoying!! I don't say anything, I go downstairs and I get the stuff to make the bed and slowly start to put it all back together. I had the hall light on. My boyfriend shuts the hall light off. I turn it back on. He shuts it off. I turn it back on. "Why do you keep turning the light back on" he bellows up the hall? "Because I'm trying to make the bed" I reply. He storms off and mutters, "You are so rotten. Why don't you just eat something." I stood there stunned as if someone had punched me in the gut. I wanted to cry. I'm trying so hard to get through this. I'm trying to be a better person for myself, for my kids and for him. I'm trying. As silly and ridiculous as it seems, it just stung. I finished the bed and went downstairs. "I'm rotten because I'm want to make the bed?" I asked. He said something about me being in a bad mood since we got back from his mothers. I didn't argue with him. I felt defeated. "Thanks for being such a great support system" I spouted off. "Well, I'm trying" he spat back. I grabbed a bottle of water and a brownie bar and made my way back upstairs. "Goodnight" I said, "You suck." I felt badly the minute the words left my mouth, but it was how I felt. He did suck. I needed him to be loving, patient, kind and understanding and he was being none of those things. I needed him to hug me and tell me it would all be ok and that in a few days I would start feeling better. Instead he was pissed off that I didn't enjoy the snow walk and I was being quiet and withdrawn. God forbid. I'd love to see what he would be like without food and booze for 7 days.
He didn't come up to bed last night, and I slept like a baby spread out across the entire thing. No one to roll around and wake me up. No snoring. Just pure uninterrupted sleep. Bliss! I got up this morning and did the adult thing. I told him I was sorry for telling him he sucked. Even if he really did suck, it wasn't immature of me to tell him straight to face that.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm excited to spend some time with my family today.
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