Day 10: Clarity, Calm and a Clean Slate

Starting Weight:  239.5
Current Weight:  227.6
Total loss:  11.9 lbs
Exercise:  30 minutes of HIIT training on the elliptical.  10 min warm up - 15 minutes of 30 seconds are, 1 minute slow.  - 5 minute cool down.  Then did 20 minutes of incline training on the treadmill. Incline was at 5.0 walking at 3.0.

When I started the fast I felt a bit frantic.  My mind was all over the place.  I absolutely had to keep busy at all times.  Sitting still would cause me to start thinking about food and my hunger.  Today, I have found a sense of peace and calm.  My mind is very clear.  I don't think I realized how much time I spent thinking about food until I could no longer think about it.  How much time has this addiction stolen from me?  I want to fill my days with activities instead of food.  Yesterday I took my son snowboarding and my daughter shopping.  Then we drove an hour to watch some fireworks and a tree lighting ceremony.  I want to live, to experience, and to share that with my children.  Why have I been numbing that out with food?  Why would I want to do that?  I don't have that answer right now, but I'm sure it will come to me along the way.

What the Optifast program is doing for me is helping me to create a clean slate with food.  All the sugar, salt, and fat cravings are being wiped from my body.  It is breaking me of my food adicition.  I cannot think about food, I don't have to prepare food, I'm not obsessing about what I'm going to have next.  All of that is gone.  It is just me, my thoughts, my feelings, and this journey.  I cannot numb out my emotions with food.  I have to face them and figure out how to get through each and every one of them without it.  In a little over 10 weeks, I will have food back in my life.  I have to relearn how to eat correctly, and I have to acknowledge that there are some foods I will never ever ever allow back. Just like an alcoholic knows that if they have a drink it will open the flood gates.

One of the things I've noticed, now that my mind is so clear, is how much my boyfriend is suffering with his addiction.  He loves his booze, but after drinking he can't function.  He has no energy, no ambition and he is moody.  He is down right nasty and short to everyone.  Much like me when I was detoxing from food the first week of my fast.  Except it is all the time.  The bad part is that I like him when he is drinking.  Not drunk - but buzzed up.  He is super sweet and attentive.  

I always wondered why he liked me.  Well, when I met him I was in better shape than I am now, around 180 lbs.  Not skinny but in better shape.  I have a rugged build.  I've always had more muscle than than the average girl.  I have tree trunk legs that I call "meat sticks" they are strong.  I'm not ugly by any means, but I'm not a stunning beauty.  I'm a plain jane.  Rob, is not a plain jane.  He is 6'2 with big broad shoulders and an athletic build.  He has the biggest bluest eyes you have ever seen surrounded by the longest darkest eye lashes.  Lady killers as I call them.  Dark hair and blue eyes.  His hair is graying, but that only helps his cause.  He is a beautiful man.  A definite head turner.  But, I think his addiction has made him unstable.  He hasn't been able to maintain a career.  He gets into a field and then decides he doesn't like it and moves on to something else.  He doesn't have any money. He is in the air-national guard and has been saving towards a retirement - but who knows what that looks like.  He owes his brothers money, his mother money, the State of NH money, the IRS money, an attorney money...  He has a strained relationship with his almost 21 year old daughter.  His Dad was killed way too young in an automobile accident.  He is funny, smart, and talented.  He has amazing potential, but he can't get out of his own way.  He can't focus on one thing for a very long period of time.  He has dreams as big and as large as anyone, but the inability to follow through with them.  He has multiple talents, can build and work on a house like nobody but spends one day doing it, two days getting drunk and four days recovering.  It is a sick cycle.  It is a sad cycle.  It saddens me to see this man with so many God given talents waste his life by looking into the bottom of an empty bottle.  I don't know how to help him.  I don't want to be his mother.  I keep hoping that my progress will inspire him to find some of his own.  He does for about 2 days and then goes back into the old ways.  He says things like, "I did a really good today, I deserve a drink." Or chooses to eat something shitty instead.  The other problem is how miserable he is when he stops drinking.  He is cold, distant, and angry.  He dwells terribly on the past...  I often wonder if that is where he is in his dark moods.  He has been married twice.  His second wife divorced him and he loved her a lot.  Here is a man who could get any woman he wants - if he had his shit together. But he doesn't and he has me and I make sure all the bills are paid, and I rarely ever get angry at this roller coaster ride.  I listen to each and every excuse for him not going to work, or leaving early to sit on the couch and take a nap.  I don't say anything.  I enable him and I know it.   If he ever knew I felt this way or thought these things he would be devastated because I protect his ego.  I allow him to be who he thinks he is in his head.  I don't have the heart to deliver that dose of reality.  I don't want that drama...so instead, I let the drama continue around me and my children with the hope that this amazing man will find his way.  It is more than unhealthy for everyone involved and I've tried to end it on many occasions.  We all have our own demons.  I suppose that is how I justify his behavior.  No matter who I end up with they are going to bring their own issues into the equation as well.  The devil you know is better than the devil you don't.  It certainly sounds like I'm settling, but I don't think so.  If and when he is able to get better, I will have won the boyfriend lottery.  

Day Nine: Food Addiction

Starting Weight:  239.5
Current Weight:  228.3
Total Loss:  - 11.2

I lost some of the mystery weight.  Maybe I wasn't fully awake when I weighed myself?  Maybe the scale was on a bump in the floor?  Maybe I gained mystery weight?  I'm trying to not let it bother me, but it does.  It doesn't make me want to quit, but it takes the wind out my sails a bit.  I suppose this is one of those things I'm supposed to learn from on this journey.  We as women gain mystery weight. Our bodies are amazing!  We have the power to create life, and apparently gain 2lbs of mystery weight overnight while consuming 800 calories a day and exercising.  So weird.  Perhaps, I should stay off the scale every day?   I don't think I can.  I get excited to get on the scale.  Oh well...trying to move on from it, again.

I read a lot posts on the www.3fatchicks.com website forum.  I read a post today by a young woman who is about 20 lbs over weight and wants to restrict her calories to 500-700 a day and exercise 5 hours a day!  I want to cry when I read this.  I can see the desperation in her posts - how she really believes that losing the weight is going to be the answer to all of her problems.  That the weight is why everything in her world is terrible right now.  I know that feeling.  I have felt it so many times.  I have felt disgusted with myself and ashamed.  Not wanting to go to family events because I would show up fatter than I was the last time everyone saw me and they would whisper about it or talk about it after I left.  I haven't wanted to go out to dinner, or go into public with my boyfriend because I'm afraid that people will talk about how Rob, my strong strapping boyfriend, has such a fat girlfriend.  I have opted out of living because of my weight.  I have let my weight run my life.

Now, tell me honestly?  Does an alcoholic let alcohol control their life?  Does a gambler let gambling control their life?  A drug addict with drugs?  Yes, yes and yes.  If weight controls your life, causes you to change the way you do things, causes you to miss things you would typically attend, stop doing things you love - if you think about food all day long, sneak off to have a treat, reward yourself for a good day with food, reward yourself for a bad day with food, eat because your bored, eat because your tired, eat because you don't feel good, eat because you are watching tv, just eat because you want to eat when you are not hungry - YOU ARE A FOOD ADDICT.  That is a realization that has hit home with me.  To put a name to this battle that I've been having for so long has brought me some peace.  Once I get through the Optifast program, there may be some trigger foods that I may never ever be able to have again.  I've got to learn how to deal with my boredom, sadness, and happiness without food, like a normal person.  Treating my emotions with food is unhealthy and if I keep it up it will eventually kill me.

Definition of Addiction

Public Policy Statement: Definition of Addiction

Short Definition of Addiction:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

It is time to change our thinking.  95% of us gain the weight back that we lose.  Doesn't that sentence tell you something?  There is a reason why we have yo-yo dieted for years and year.  We haven't been treating the problem correctly.   We have been beating ourselves up because we haven't had any "will-power" "self-control" when it comes to food.  We have mentally tortured ourselves with diet after diet after diet.  We have beaten our own self-esteems down every single time we gain the weight back and have to start all over again.  It is NOT our faults.  Tell yourself over and over and over again.  This is NOT my fault.  Love yourself again.  You, like me were probably brought up being rewarded for a good job with food.  Being rewarded for being brave with food.  Being rewarded for a hard day with food.  Our brains have learned that food is the answer to every mood.  Say it again with me, "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT."   Believe it, cause it is true.  We are addicted to food.  Our brains over rule our ability to make a change every single time.   A great many of us have a food addiction.  Start treating the problem like an addiction.  I'm going to start treating mine like an addiction, because I know that is what it is.  I'm not going to live in the land of delusion anymore.  I'm going to call a spade a spade and do what it takes to heal this once and for all.  I'm getting off this roller-coaster.  Are you guys with me?

Day Eight: Thanksgiving!

Starting Weight:  239.5
Current Weight:   229.0
Total Change:  -10 lbs


Wait...what?  Yeah, somehow I gained weight.  I gained 2 lbs back.  I didn't cheat, I drank all of my water.  I dunno....just one of those weird things I guess.  I had a dream that I ate Chinese food.  It was so good.  My friend from Canada said "Fake weight!  Damn msg."   Hahaha!

Thanksgiving was good.  I never felt like I was missing anything.  It wasn't hard to watch them all eat.  It was harder to deal with them after they had all been drinking.  Ugh...

I think my mood has stabilized.  Almost.  I don't feel as irritable.  Let's hope so!

I'm hoping tomorrow when I get back on the scale this mystery extra 2 lbs will have disappeared! What the hell!!??

Day Seven - Horrible Moods & Snow

Starting Weight:  229.5

Current Weight:  227.5

Total Change:  - 12 lbs

I'm so moody!!!  So damn irritable and short.  I'm trying to cut myself some slack.  I am fighting and addiction and I can't have it to try and regulate my mood.  Usually if I'm grumpy I would get myself something delightful to shove in my mouth!  If I'm sad, I would definitely find something yummy to cheer myself up with.  If I'm angry the perfect solution would be a delicious snack!  If I'm happy?  Of course!  Why wouldn't I keep the merry behavior rolling with something to tickle my taste buds?  Well, I can't do that.  So, I'm f*$#@*ing pissed off.  Well, not really pissed off.  Just quiet and withdrawn.  I know it is just a side effect of my body chemistry changing.  My brain chemistry too of course.  I hope it regulates soon, for the sake of my family.

Last night, I was having a tough night.  We had gone to deliver some Thanksgiving flowers to my boyfriend's mother.  We ended up staying longer than we had thought.  I didn't prepare correctly and ended up being so hungry I was almost catatonic!   We got home and I ate an Optifast tomato soup.  It helped, but it didn't help my mood much.  My family wanted to walk around the block because we were getting our first big snowstorm.  I tried to be a team player and go along even though I wasn't really feeling up to it. Another wonderful side effect of this rapid weight loss is feeling cold.  Makes sense right?  Losing fat - shedding blub will make you feel colder.   Half way around the block someone throws a snowball and snow goes down the back of my boots.  I didn't say a peep, just kept walking swiftly towards the house.  They played, threw snowballs and danced around in the snow.  I just couldn't enjoy it.  My boyfriend made a comment about me walking ahead, but I just let it go.

It was approaching 9 pm and I tucked the kids in to bed.  I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old.  Both of them still love to be tucked in.  I went to get into my own bed and it has been stripped down to the mattress.  No pillow cases, no sheets, even the comforter cover was gone.  I'm tired, and irritable and now I have to make the bed.  How annoying!!  I don't say anything, I go downstairs and I get the stuff to make the bed and slowly start to put it all back together.  I had the hall light on.  My boyfriend shuts the hall light off.  I turn it back on.  He shuts it off.  I turn it back on.  "Why do you keep turning the light back on" he bellows up the hall?  "Because I'm trying to make the bed" I reply.  He storms off and mutters, "You are so rotten.  Why don't you just eat something." I stood there stunned as if someone had punched me in the gut.  I wanted to cry.  I'm trying so hard to get through this.  I'm trying to be a better person for myself, for my kids and for him.  I'm trying.  As silly and ridiculous as it seems, it just stung.  I finished the bed and went downstairs.  "I'm rotten because I'm want to make the bed?" I asked.  He said something about me being in a bad mood since we got back from his mothers.  I didn't argue with him.  I felt defeated.  "Thanks for being such a great support system" I spouted off.  "Well, I'm trying" he spat back.  I grabbed a bottle of water and a brownie bar and made my way back upstairs.  "Goodnight" I said, "You suck."  I felt badly the minute the words left my mouth, but it was how I felt.  He did suck.  I needed him to be loving, patient, kind and understanding and he was being none of those things.  I needed him to hug me and tell me it would all be ok and that in a few days I would start feeling better.  Instead he was pissed off that I didn't enjoy the snow walk and I was being quiet and withdrawn.  God forbid.  I'd love to see what he would be like without food and booze for 7 days.  

He didn't come up to bed last night, and I slept like a baby spread out across the entire thing.  No one to roll around and wake me up.  No snoring.  Just pure uninterrupted sleep.  Bliss!  I got up this morning and did the adult thing.  I told him I was sorry for telling him he sucked.  Even if he really did suck, it wasn't immature of me to tell him straight to face that. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I'm excited to spend some time with my family today. 

Day Six - Friends

Starting Weight:  239.5
Current Weight:  229.7
Total Change: - 9.8 lbs
Exercise:  1.5 hour hike up Mt. Major.


One of the hard parts about doing the Optifast program at LRGH is that I'm the only person participating.  There was one other person that did the program before me.  I'm not sure if they were successful or not.  So, I found an optifast support group on facebook and put out a request for an accountability partner.  I found a gal from Canada and we have started supporting one another.  It is a good feeling knowing that there is someone else out there that you can talk to, ask questions, and share ideas with.  The Canadian program is apparently a lot different than the US program.  She has 4 shakes a day, and only vanilla and chocolate.  They don't have any soups and they don't have any bars.  How awful!  No wonder it is so difficult to stay on track.  I've offered to send her some soups and bars so she can give those a try.  I absolutely love having my nice warm soup at night.  I look forward to it. 

I still have a good amount of energy.  I was really tired last night. That is good!  I've had a few nights where I've had a hard time falling and staying asleep.  I slept like a log. 

Today is also my last dose of Prednisone.  Right before I started the program, I was digging in the back yard and got a bad case of poison sumac.  So bad that my entire face was swollen, and my eyes swollen shut.  Terrible...itchy, burning, nastiness.  My hands still burn at night.  I will be happy to get off the prednisone though.  I hate taking pills.

I was supposed to meet with the nutritionist today, but for whatever reason she can't meet today.  I have to say that I'm a little bit disappointed.  It is a lot of money to be spending for the "support" of professionals to not get it.  I'm not going to let it get in my way or sabotage my progress.  Moving on!

Day Five - Energy

Starting Weight:  239.5
Current Weight:  230.4
Total Change:  9.1 lbs



Energy!  Loads and loads of energy today!  Finally.  I was also in a really great mood.  Went to the gym and did Week 1, Day 2 of Lee Labarada's Lean Body.  Then went for a 1 hour hike up Gunstock Mountain.  It was 65 degrees yesterday, how could I stay in?  It felt good to go up the mountain, and felt good to burn chub.  Rob, my boyfriend, went with me as well.  He is still dragging from the demo we did in the living room, from drinking all weekend long, and from eating like shit.  I have to say that seeing him like that really made me realize how much I don't want to do that anymore.  I don't want to party all weekend and then be a piece of shit for the first two days of the week.  How old are we?  We are not in college anymore.  His mood was "blah"all day long and I tried to not let it get me down.

Tomorrow is my first weigh in!  I'm excited to see what my total loss will be and excited to learn something new.

Day Four - The Brain

Initial Weight:  239.5

Current Weight:  230.7

Total Change:  -8.8 lbs

Exercise:  30 minutes on the Elliptical;  10 minutes reg. 15 minutes of HIIT training and 5 minutes of regular/cool down.  I began Lee Labrada's Lean Body - 12 week trainer to try and engage some muscle.  Here is the link if you want to try it out!  

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/lee-labrada-12-week-lean-body-trainer.html

Yesterday was challenging for me.  I struggled with my mind.  Now that I'm not planning out my next meal every second, I have a lot of free time to think.  I watched my boyfriend drink multiple cranberry and vodka cocktails, and then have a glass of wine with his dinner.  I felt annoyed by that. The entire time he boasted about having been a "good" all day.  I didn't say much.  Not worth the argument really.  How can eating good include several cranberry and diet cocktails and a glass of wine?  We each have our own addictions don't we?  Now, that I've been 4 days sober from my food addiction it become a lot easier to see the addictions of others.

I went to my Mom's and watched my nephew for four hours or so.  That was great.  Helped take my mind off things for a bit.  I am just so in love with him.  My mother was supportive, and so was my sister.  They wished I would do something more "normal" like weight watchers, but that just doesn't work for me.  I have to go balls to the walls.  All in - or I'm not.  It is that simple.  

I was really mentally tired tonight when I got home.  I had a very bad case of the "blahs" and was even a little short with my daughter when we went food shopping.  Yes, I went food shopping.  It really didn't bother me at all.  In fact, I got home and cooked Shepard's pie for them all.  I watched them eat it while I sipped on my tomato soup.  It didn't bother me.  I didn't want it.  I think it bothered them more to in front of me than it does for me to watch them eat.

I began weight-training yesterday.  I love to move weight.  It is so empowering.  In the first two weeks of the program you are not supposed to do anymore than 30 minutes of exercise a day.  Walking is what they told me to do.  I get so bored so easily - and walking (for me) is just boring.  I am always testing myself, pushing myself - so I went on bodybuilding.com and looked for the easiest weight training program I could find.  It really was easy.  If you use the mobile app for bodybuilding on your phone they actually give you video demonstrations of each exercise so you don't look like a complete knucklehead at the gym fumbling around with free weights.  Plus, something Dr. Warner said to me on my consultation kept banging around in my head.  She told me that there was something magical about HIIT training and weight lifting when done together.  She said no one really knew why, but that combo seemed to cause a greater fat burn than any other combo.  That is all I need to know!   HIIT training and weight-lifting it is from now on.